I've been sick since I moved into this house. Which sucks. My entire reality is living here in this new town sick as a fucking dog and goddamn fatigued all the time. I had been taking some over the counter medicine which was apparently making things worse- in my head.

I was also involved in another car accident. Some kid rear ended my roommates and yeah whatever. Vehicles collide all the time. Lots of people drive on the roads and it's perfectly natural that there are many minor incidents that go unnoticed by the general public. People place a lot of stigma on them. I'm in a lot of them. So it's not really a big deal & I can't really even explain why I don't buckle up most of the time. If you're aware of it there are crash references everywhere. It invades popular culture as it creates our martyrs. As it our carves our imaginations, our physical bodies, the terrain. Those highly charged moments we're all subject to the minute we begin our commutes. Depersonalized scraps of metal suddenly become human. The blue Audi suddenly has a face and a name. A life. A favorite color. I really could go on forever.

baklava from smelly deli, rainy days off, porch couch incarnates, the very strange thing that happened this morning, drinking jones soda on saturdays, coffee cups, my new paper journal, the smell of toast, the mika song 'grace kelly', you.

put thing in boxes. put things in trash bags. put things away. things things things. space space space space. over & over again. do it. undo it.

i am all moved. all of my things are in this place. in space. and now i live in this new town where i don't really know my way around. and i don't know anybody. but i have a lot of house mates, so i am never alone...

today is moving day.
(almost) everything in boxes.
i fucking hate this shit, but it's going to be okay. i hate this old apartment more.

STUFF STUFF STUFF STUFF
like you wouldn't believe.
like i wouldn't believe...

my (only true male love) husband is coming here soon!
new subtle record out same day.
it is love.
it's like all my favorite bands are touring right now. it's finally a good time to be alive. i finally caught up with the present after being caught up in the past for so long. pop culture operates at warp speed. but are you ready for everything else? we'll fucking see...
we'll fucking see...

Because I refuse to believe/accept marriage is/as a sacred union, I have a select group of men that I would marry. Half are gay, the other half are musicians/unattainable. It's pretty fucking awesome. I mean, if I have to marry a man...
I present to you, random man I would marry...
Mos Def-

struggling to find a pen
to write this shit down
struggling to find a way
to get this shit down
and it's rainy & it's cold
& it's lonely & you're alone
it seems like
i spend more time with microwaves
than with any other human being
and i spend more time on the internet
that i remember there being
and i think more about other people
than they think about me
sometimes it
only feels like i have friends because i have weed
and my dog is the only one that understands me
the show sells out
when i'm waiting in line freezing
and i'm constantly reminded
of what cannot be
it's like life loves a loser
just not me


okay so this probably is a poem. okay so i probably do suck. it's a little old. and by a little old i mean i'm emotionally unattached to it enough to share it. whatever.

(the vegan kind)
subject line: 'the person smelled nice'
body: "I was always ashamed of my small little brother, until i found this miracle solution that adds inches with so little effort!"

so there's good news and there's bad news captains.
the good news?! i'm moving. to a house in boulder
the bad news? cannot afford cheek piercings.
waaaaaaaahhhhhhh.
ah, so many good vegan eats there.

I am relying heavily on the internets to find me a new home. I know this may not be the best way to go about things, but it saves me a lot of gas/time and I can smoke a bowl while searching for (weed tolerant) housing. I posted an ad on Craigslist, and immediately got a few trollish replies from dirty old men... yeah that was helpful. I'm just really stressed out because the future is uncertain. I just want to know which direction I'm headed so I can begin to prepare myself for it. You know?
Ughhhhhhhhhhh.

life has been nothing but disappointing lately, but what the fuck ever because i got kanye west tickets, amirite? i am stressed out and don't know where i'll be living shortly, so i'll just obsess over cheek piercings and look forward to kanye west instead.

that thing that you said when we were waking down the alley while i was smoking?
that thing about that one movie?
made me realize it's never going to work out...
i never really noticed that was us until then

i'm waiting around.
i hate waiting.
waiting for shit to hit the fan? to rescue the princess like zelda?
(too bad princess is a boy)
what should i be anticipating?

REJOICE. i found my wallet.

[so many blasts from thee pasts]
today is weird.
yesterday was weird.
i think i lost my wallet and all my money.
my id.
yeah.
i just want to sleep.
forever.
or a few months.
wake up in a new city.
fresh new life.
fresh new me.

an entire fucking wasted interesting experimental year of lonely beds, lonely head, lonely nights and plenty of wanted instropective alone time. at least i (usually) get what i want. (usually) is it getting hot in herre or is just 3 oh 3?

what the fuck? is my life really this sad?
i don't even get good porn offers in my spam folder anymore =(
the most exciting thing to happen to me this week was making a bunch of burritos, wrapping them in newspaper (east coast style), and freezing them. now i can have home made mediocrity at work for weeks!
is this over yet? can i wake up now?

I got these two really great emails the otherrr day. I forgot to post them.


KITTENS?
STUFF?
WHERE?
tooth-h?
when i lit a big fire and got community service the janitor at my high school wrote down i did a lot more than i did cause i had to vacuum stuff at high school. my wallet is a map of Hyrule from '86. Pandas is involved with you.

(from mikey)


send you a message? i think so. we are those kids sitting on the couch you know. it's a lifestyle I grew fond of and have lost. I miss you all the time. Sometimes it's nice to just do what you and i do best. sit on the couch. maybe drive around and get high. drink until we tear shit up or have tears oozing out our faces. i guess its all about strategy and consciousness. the mixtape btw is fucking awesome. makes me dance like a reeeealy stretched out midget. speaking of stretching. . . how are the lobes? the rook? the devil and sasch?

oh yeah. the tattoo of the panda eating the little bambi. do the bambi. B-A-M-B-I D-O do the bambi. I miss you all the time. do the bambi.

Ed a.k.a. princess pabst. llllllluuuuuuuuuvvvvvv pabst. blue ribbon. first prize ribbon. not third. . . or last place. lol.

(from danielson)

I don't know why I'm awake right now. True, 7:44 is a perfectly natural time for me to be awake. I often work at 7... but this kind of sucks. Day off, and up all early. Out late last night too.
Went & saw Cloverfield which was good. On the way home little red sportscar lost control & spiraled into my car... But not very hard (thank you, brakes!) It was just enough to shake me up. Adrenaline flowing. No damage to car. Lots of car accidents in my life. So fucking stupid.
Anyways, I think I'm entirely out of things to smoke. Existence is boring.

"KITTENS
AND STUFFFFFF.
TOOTH.
IWROTE'KITTENSARENETO'ONAMIDDLESCHOOLJANITOR'SHOTCHOCLATEATW
ORK.
[in syrup. on top. in cursive.]
his name is robert & he has a pokemon wallet.
he's pretty weird.
FORK. "

ALL THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING EXACTLY A YEAR AGO IS COMING BACK TO HAUNT ME.
Phantoms of the past. But I'm stil here, in the present. And everythings good.